my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
