I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
