I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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