five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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