According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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