i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
