The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
