You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
