i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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