i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I think I won the penis lottery.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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