Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
The struggles of a small town man whore
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
