I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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