You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
