she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
