Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
