don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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