She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
