Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
