I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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