I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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