Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
