I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
