I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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