Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
