Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just invented taco cereal.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
