just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
