There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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