I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
