Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
