Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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