My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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