Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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