I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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