Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
