Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
