The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Randomize
