is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
