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My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
The struggles of a small town man whore
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
