My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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