my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
