How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
