nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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