hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Two words: nipple clamps
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