the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
