69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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