Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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