does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
