the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so thatโs how Syracuse is doing today.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ๐๐๐๐
Randomize
