This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
