Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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